i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize