either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
