dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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