K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
