I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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