i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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