I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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