This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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