end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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