took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
