i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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