Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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