i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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