I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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