Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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