i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
