good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
