Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
