Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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