Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize