we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
