I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
