You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
