i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize