Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
