ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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