no, he came in my armpit
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
