My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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