Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
