Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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