i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
