I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
