Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
