so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
