sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
