no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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