matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
