I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
