1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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