...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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