i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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