have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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