i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
