So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
