I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
