she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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