Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Small penises have feelings too.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
