I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
