A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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