they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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