My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
