Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
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