I am in a vortex of obligation.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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