I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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