I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
