I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
