yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
