Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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